-Any children you have will be used against you-

Ever wonder why Republicans just love to talk about “family values” and why you should never get an abortion?  It’s because children make for great political leverage.  They want people to have kids, because a father or mother is easier to control than an individual with no offspring.  A person once willing and able to stand up for their rights will inevitably, upon becoming a parent, bend over and allow the government to rip their rectal lining to shreds with its spiked, rusty dildos.

And you can’t really blame the parents.  After all, human beings have deep-seated paternal and maternal instincts.  And this is a psychological weakness that Republicans are the masters of exploiting for fun and profit!

First, they convince you to have kids, then, you become their slave.  This is how it works:  When you are young, they bombard you with media and advertising brimming with sexual overtones, which makes you horny as a dog in heat.  They tell you to hold it in, and that abstinence works when it has been proven, repeatedly, to FAIL.  They do not tell you about condoms or the pill.  When you finally give into your natural urges, you are too ignorant or brainwashed to use protection, and then the miracle of conception happens!

You try to go to a clinic to take care of the problem, but an angry mob of protestors chases you away with scary pictures of aborted fetuses.  Your conservative parents tell you: “Sure, you can get an abortion.  But after that, we will disown you.  Forget about college or having a future.”  And so, defeated, you decide, under duress, to carry the pregnancy to term.  Of course, your parents will tell all their friends at the country club how proud they are of you for “deciding” to have the child “of your own volition”.  Your parents are pleased as punch that this unwanted pregnancy happened, because it gives them power over you that they would have otherwise lost on your 18th birthday, and saves them the horrible pain of empty nest syndrome.

At this point you are utterly screwed.  You are obligated to your parents for supporting you, you are obligated to whatever employment you can find, no matter how poorly they treat you, and you are obligated to this mewling, worthless, incomplete person that is the fruit of your loins.  You have no choice but to do what you’re told, fall in line, and “go straight”.  Because otherwise, the ass you risk is not your own, but your child’s.  And who is going to risk their child’s ass?

Soon, you will be voting Republican, because they want to give you a child tax break, despite the fact that every child is a tax burden and giving people tax breaks for having children makes utterly no fiscal sense.  If anything, people with children should have to pay MORE taxes.  Public school isn’t free.  There are too many people in the world and not enough resources, and the last thing the government should be doing is encouraging overpopulation by handing out child tax credits.

After a few years of having kids, you will throw away all of your bongs, sex toys, and heavy metal albums because the conservatives will convince you that they could “corrupt your children”.  Then, because you are jealous of all the childless people having a good time without you, you will support conservative-backed legislation to outlaw all of these things because they don’t “promote family values”.

And family values will become so important to you that any politician who champions these values will get a free pass on all of his other policies.  You won’t even notice the war they start in some foreign country halfway around the world, because you will be too busy empathizing with Sarah fucking Palin for being such a strong working mom, just like you.

And as the war drags on and on, guess who will be fighting and dying in it?  That’s right.  The same kids those Republicans convinced you to have, or else you would go to Hell for aborting them.  Apparently, population control in the form of birth control or abortion is a mortal sin, but once that kid is 18, sending him off to die in some pointless war so the DOW Jones Average will go up a point or two is fair game.  I read that Sarah Palin’s oldest son is joining the military.  With any luck, both of his legs will be blown off in Afghanistan by an IED, and he’ll return home to no benefits.  We’ll see how Republican he is then.  The suicide rate is 4 times higher for veterans.  You gotta like those odds.

And businesses love to hire family men too, because it makes them that much easier to manipulate in the workplace.  “Can you work late tonight, Charlie?  Of course you can!  Because if you don’t, you’re fired and your children will DIE of STARVATION because YOU’RE A WORTHLESS DEADBEAT PARENT.  Now get back to work, maggot.”

And if you ever do try to have a little fun, don’t let word of it get around to Child Protective Services.  They will raid your house, find your stash, and tell you that if you don’t narc out your supplier, they will take your children away!  Oh No!  So then you become an informant against the Mafia and end up being fitted for a nice new pair of cement shoes at the bottom of the river.

Of course, not all children are conceived accidentally.  Some people actually have the audacity to CHOOSE to conceive, rather than adopting one of the many starving orphans all over the world.  This is, of course, completely based in selfish desires.  Nobody wants to raise someone else’s child.  They want to have THEIR child with THEIR DNA, because THEIR child will be the best child EVER.  THEIR child will be Jesus, Vishnu, and Buddha all rolled into one.  And they will be able to mold it in their own image and dress it however they want, just like the dolls their conservative parents bought for them as children.

They want to have THEIR child, because he will be the best at sports, win 5 Grammy’s, be the first man on Mars, and solve all the world’s political problems someday.  And then they will bombard you with pictures of their children and mundane stories about how great they are.  “Maybe someday you’ll be selfless enough to bring a life into this world,” they’ll say.  They neglect to mention the fact that you are the one paying for their child’s education and healthcare, despite having had nothing to do with the conception of that child.

FUCK YOU SARAH PALIN.  We all know it wasn’t your daughter’s choice to keep the baby.  We all know Karl Rove put a gun to her head.  We all know it was the Republican Party that made that choice for her, just like they would love to make it for the entire country, if they could.

But it’s OK though, because when Bristal Palin’s baby turns out to be a complete fuckup due to the poor circumstances in which it was raised, you will be able to cut it off and kick it out of the house at age 18, because that’s what conservative parents do when their kids don’t turn out they way they’d hoped.  It’s called “Tough Love”.

Sarah Palin, you smarmy, smug, catty fucking bitch.  You are nothing more than a Republican Hillary, and that’s a double negative.  .

The Libertarians

Here’s some more old writing I’ve resurrected.  I wrote these dialogues in 2004.  Enjoy.

The Libertarians

by J. Tourdet

Father: Well, son, it looks like its time for you to go out into the real world. I can’t provide for you any longer.
Son: But Dad, I’m only 6 years old!
Father: That sounds like a personal problem to me. Your problems are not my responsibility. You will have to survive on your own merit.
Son: But Dad, I don’t even know how to read! You wouldn’t even let me attend public school!
Father: Public schools are for Communists, son.


Son: Gee, Dad it sure is too bad that the judge court ordered you to take care of me until I’m 18.
Father: Its a travesty of justice that the judge won’t let me do what I want to with the fruits of my own labor- ie: you.
Son: well, I guess you will have to abide by their decision. It is the law, after all.
Father: We’ll see about that, son.
Son: Hey, Dad, where are you going with that AK47 and a map to the judge’s house?
Father: The second amendment is a viable check to the government’s power, son.


Son: What are you doing with that bucket of oil, Dad?
Father: Why, I’m setting it on fire, son.
Son: Isn’t that kind of a waste?
Father: It’s my oil to waste, son. The fact that I’m burning this oil does not prevent some guy in Somalia from burning oil in his own garage.
Son: Dad, our house is on fire!
Father: It’s my house to burn, son.


Son: Dad, our house is on fire!! Don’t you think we should call the fire department?
Father: That would be immoral, son. The fire department was established with public funds garnished from people’s wages. Why should we make them pay for the fact that our house is on fire?
Son: So what do we do?
Father: We’ll just have to put the fire out ourselves, son.
Firefighter: Would you like some help putting out your house fire? We might still be able to save some of it.
Father: Get off the charred remains of my lawn, you Commie bastard.


Son: Why do we have to live in your car now, Dad? Didn’t you have home insurance?
Father: The government is always trying to force me to insure things… my car, my house. What a ripoff! Its basically just a government enforced protection racket! Not only that, but our rates go up because of other people’s stupidity! The whole thing smacks of the Red Menace to me.
Son: Well, if we’re gonna live in your car, can we at least park it on the street?
Father: Public roads are for Communists, son.


Son: Dad, I fell off the swingset and I think I broke my leg! We need to get to the hospital!
Father: I’m afraid I don’t have the money or health insurance to pay for a doctor, son.
Son: Can’t we just go to the free clinic down the street?
Father: That would be immoral, son. Those clinics are paid for with money collected by force from hardworking people. Why should they have to pay for your mistakes? Nope, I’m afraid we’ll have to fix this ourselves. My diagnosis: amputation.
Son: But I don’t want to have my leg amputated!!!!
Father: Its the only way, son. Now bite down on this paint stick while I go get the chainsaw.


Son: If Communisim is so ineffective, then how come the Russians were the first people in space?
Father: They may have been the first, but we did it the right way: using capitalism.
Son: I don’t understand, Dad. I thought that NASA was publicly funded.
Father: Come to think of it, you’re right, son. We should set up our own space mission, libertarian style!
Son: How are we going to do that without the cooperation and funding of millions of people?
Father: We don’t need all that, son. Just go sit on that keg of dynamite in the backyard. Liftoff will be in ten minutes.


Son: Dad, can I ride the merry go round?
Father: No, you can’t, son.
Son: But that kid is riding it!
Father: Well, he had a quarter and you don’t.
Son: Why should he have the power to ride the merry go round just because he has a quarter and I don’t?
Father: Money is not power, nor does it entail privlege. It just allows certain people to have and do things that others cannot.


Father: Here’s your lunch money, son.
Son: This isn’t money!! These are just carved wooden figurines of Michael Jackson!!
Father: Yeah, I spent a whole day’s worth of human productive effort on those. They have to be worth something.
Son: But how will I use them to get food?
Father: See if you can trade them for food. But don’t accept any cash, though. Federal Reserve notes are for Communists.


Son: Dad, you’re always ruining my life. Maybe I should kill you in your sleep.
Father: That would be a violation of my natural rights, son.
Son: What the hell is a natural right?
Father: Natural rights are rights intrinsic to all people. Everyone is born with natural rights, such as the right to live. We call them ‘natural’ rights, because they come from nature.
Son: What the hell are you talking about? Our dog is always trying to kill our cat! Last week he bit off the cat’s leg!
Father: That cat is a commie, son. The dog is justified in wanting to eat it. Besides, why should it be the dog’s problem that the cat can’t run fast enough?


Son: I think I’m gonna go live with the neighbors. They aren’t crazy libertarians like you, Dad.
Father: No. You cannot choose to live with them. They are commies. You are not allowed to choose communism. Thats how libertarianism works; its all based on mutual consent and freedom of choice.
Son: Screw you, I’m gonna live with them anyway.
Father: Fine, but their commie system is bound to collapse!! And if it doesn’t, I will start a war with them to ensure that it does!


Son: Its great that you’ve decided to hire a chauffer Dad, but why did you hire a blind man?
Father: I can hire whoever I want. Its my car and my money.
Son: But he doesn’t even have a liscense to drive!!
Father: Liscense??? That sounds like a bunch of government red tape to me!
Son: But you can’t expect him to drive safely!!! He’s freakin blind!!
Father: Laws against blind people driving are discriminatory and selective. Your lack of support for equal rights disgusts me, son.