The Lost Children of Suburbia

Welcome to the Lost Children of Suburbia:


A charity that benefits the victims of “Tough Love” parenting…

Hello. My name is Jacques Tourdet, CEO of Lost Children of Suburbia, a 501c3 non-profit organization:


 In the 1980’s, Ronald Reagan convinced an entire generation of parents that they didn’t have to take care of their children if they didn’t like them. Thus, for a variety of reasons, millions of suburban children were expelled from their homes and cut off from parental support at the tender age of 18. Some were cut off because they were practitioners of alternative lifestyles, and others because of political conflicts.

“It’s for their own good,” the parents said, “They’ll thank us later!”


Well, it has been 30 years since the 1980’s. These kids are now in their late twenties and early thirties, and it is clear that Tough Love was NOT for their own good. In fact, it seems as if Tough Love only benefited one party: Irresponsible conservative parents.

Take the story of Sandy Junkins, for instance:


Sandy was kicked out of his house at the age of 17 because his parents disagreed with his alternative herbal medicinal needs. Forced to live on the streets of New Orleans, Sandy soon became addicted to crack-cocaine. Within a few years of living on his own, he decided to end his own life.

Emergency Medical Technicians were able to revive Sandy from his Percocet and vodka induced slumber. But even though they were able to heal his body, they could never heal his psychological wounds. When Sandy’s parents came to visit him in the hospital, it wasn’t to apologize for their negligence as parents. It was to inform him that, due to his recent suicide attempt, they had decided to take out a life insurance policy on him, naming themselves the beneficiaries. I guess they figured that betting on their son’s demise was a good investment.

While Sandy’s wealthy conservative parents play golf, drive luxury cars, and eat caviar, Sandy lives in run-down tenements, sometimes eating cat food for supper, and smoking whatever he can find on the ground. He has been denied the opportunities that benefit those suburban children who choose to conform to their parent’s values. He has been denied the education, capital investment, political influence, and nepotism that his peers have gotten from their parents.



Cases like these may seem extreme to you, but here at Lost Children of Suburbia, we see them every day. Conservatives may disagree with abortion, but they have no problem aborting their support of their kids at age 18, after horribly scarring them with Christian neo-conservative brainwashing.

At Lost Children of Suburbia, we call this “The Psychopathology of the Suburbs”. What this means is simple: rich suburbanites think that if they put a brick wall up in front of the ghetto, then that ghetto doesn’t exist. That’s not taking responsibility. That’s called ‘living in a fantasy world’, AKA full-blown dementia.

Well, the rich suburbanites may not see you, hidden ghetto, but we do. Because here at Lost Children of Suburbia, we care about abandoned conservative children. A donation of as little as $5 could help children like Sandy afford healthcare, education, and weed.


Please, donate today!




-Any children you have will be used against you-

Ever wonder why Republicans just love to talk about “family values” and why you should never get an abortion?  It’s because children make for great political leverage.  They want people to have kids, because a father or mother is easier to control than an individual with no offspring.  A person once willing and able to stand up for their rights will inevitably, upon becoming a parent, bend over and allow the government to rip their rectal lining to shreds with its spiked, rusty dildos.

And you can’t really blame the parents.  After all, human beings have deep-seated paternal and maternal instincts.  And this is a psychological weakness that Republicans are the masters of exploiting for fun and profit!

First, they convince you to have kids, then, you become their slave.  This is how it works:  When you are young, they bombard you with media and advertising brimming with sexual overtones, which makes you horny as a dog in heat.  They tell you to hold it in, and that abstinence works when it has been proven, repeatedly, to FAIL.  They do not tell you about condoms or the pill.  When you finally give into your natural urges, you are too ignorant or brainwashed to use protection, and then the miracle of conception happens!

You try to go to a clinic to take care of the problem, but an angry mob of protestors chases you away with scary pictures of aborted fetuses.  Your conservative parents tell you: “Sure, you can get an abortion.  But after that, we will disown you.  Forget about college or having a future.”  And so, defeated, you decide, under duress, to carry the pregnancy to term.  Of course, your parents will tell all their friends at the country club how proud they are of you for “deciding” to have the child “of your own volition”.  Your parents are pleased as punch that this unwanted pregnancy happened, because it gives them power over you that they would have otherwise lost on your 18th birthday, and saves them the horrible pain of empty nest syndrome.

At this point you are utterly screwed.  You are obligated to your parents for supporting you, you are obligated to whatever employment you can find, no matter how poorly they treat you, and you are obligated to this mewling, worthless, incomplete person that is the fruit of your loins.  You have no choice but to do what you’re told, fall in line, and “go straight”.  Because otherwise, the ass you risk is not your own, but your child’s.  And who is going to risk their child’s ass?

Soon, you will be voting Republican, because they want to give you a child tax break, despite the fact that every child is a tax burden and giving people tax breaks for having children makes utterly no fiscal sense.  If anything, people with children should have to pay MORE taxes.  Public school isn’t free.  There are too many people in the world and not enough resources, and the last thing the government should be doing is encouraging overpopulation by handing out child tax credits.

After a few years of having kids, you will throw away all of your bongs, sex toys, and heavy metal albums because the conservatives will convince you that they could “corrupt your children”.  Then, because you are jealous of all the childless people having a good time without you, you will support conservative-backed legislation to outlaw all of these things because they don’t “promote family values”.

And family values will become so important to you that any politician who champions these values will get a free pass on all of his other policies.  You won’t even notice the war they start in some foreign country halfway around the world, because you will be too busy empathizing with Sarah fucking Palin for being such a strong working mom, just like you.

And as the war drags on and on, guess who will be fighting and dying in it?  That’s right.  The same kids those Republicans convinced you to have, or else you would go to Hell for aborting them.  Apparently, population control in the form of birth control or abortion is a mortal sin, but once that kid is 18, sending him off to die in some pointless war so the DOW Jones Average will go up a point or two is fair game.  I read that Sarah Palin’s oldest son is joining the military.  With any luck, both of his legs will be blown off in Afghanistan by an IED, and he’ll return home to no benefits.  We’ll see how Republican he is then.  The suicide rate is 4 times higher for veterans.  You gotta like those odds.

And businesses love to hire family men too, because it makes them that much easier to manipulate in the workplace.  “Can you work late tonight, Charlie?  Of course you can!  Because if you don’t, you’re fired and your children will DIE of STARVATION because YOU’RE A WORTHLESS DEADBEAT PARENT.  Now get back to work, maggot.”

And if you ever do try to have a little fun, don’t let word of it get around to Child Protective Services.  They will raid your house, find your stash, and tell you that if you don’t narc out your supplier, they will take your children away!  Oh No!  So then you become an informant against the Mafia and end up being fitted for a nice new pair of cement shoes at the bottom of the river.

Of course, not all children are conceived accidentally.  Some people actually have the audacity to CHOOSE to conceive, rather than adopting one of the many starving orphans all over the world.  This is, of course, completely based in selfish desires.  Nobody wants to raise someone else’s child.  They want to have THEIR child with THEIR DNA, because THEIR child will be the best child EVER.  THEIR child will be Jesus, Vishnu, and Buddha all rolled into one.  And they will be able to mold it in their own image and dress it however they want, just like the dolls their conservative parents bought for them as children.

They want to have THEIR child, because he will be the best at sports, win 5 Grammy’s, be the first man on Mars, and solve all the world’s political problems someday.  And then they will bombard you with pictures of their children and mundane stories about how great they are.  “Maybe someday you’ll be selfless enough to bring a life into this world,” they’ll say.  They neglect to mention the fact that you are the one paying for their child’s education and healthcare, despite having had nothing to do with the conception of that child.

FUCK YOU SARAH PALIN.  We all know it wasn’t your daughter’s choice to keep the baby.  We all know Karl Rove put a gun to her head.  We all know it was the Republican Party that made that choice for her, just like they would love to make it for the entire country, if they could.

But it’s OK though, because when Bristal Palin’s baby turns out to be a complete fuckup due to the poor circumstances in which it was raised, you will be able to cut it off and kick it out of the house at age 18, because that’s what conservative parents do when their kids don’t turn out they way they’d hoped.  It’s called “Tough Love”.

Sarah Palin, you smarmy, smug, catty fucking bitch.  You are nothing more than a Republican Hillary, and that’s a double negative.  .

The Libertarians

Here’s some more old writing I’ve resurrected.  I wrote these dialogues in 2004.  Enjoy.

The Libertarians

by J. Tourdet

Father: Well, son, it looks like its time for you to go out into the real world. I can’t provide for you any longer.
Son: But Dad, I’m only 6 years old!
Father: That sounds like a personal problem to me. Your problems are not my responsibility. You will have to survive on your own merit.
Son: But Dad, I don’t even know how to read! You wouldn’t even let me attend public school!
Father: Public schools are for Communists, son.


Son: Gee, Dad it sure is too bad that the judge court ordered you to take care of me until I’m 18.
Father: Its a travesty of justice that the judge won’t let me do what I want to with the fruits of my own labor- ie: you.
Son: well, I guess you will have to abide by their decision. It is the law, after all.
Father: We’ll see about that, son.
Son: Hey, Dad, where are you going with that AK47 and a map to the judge’s house?
Father: The second amendment is a viable check to the government’s power, son.


Son: What are you doing with that bucket of oil, Dad?
Father: Why, I’m setting it on fire, son.
Son: Isn’t that kind of a waste?
Father: It’s my oil to waste, son. The fact that I’m burning this oil does not prevent some guy in Somalia from burning oil in his own garage.
Son: Dad, our house is on fire!
Father: It’s my house to burn, son.


Son: Dad, our house is on fire!! Don’t you think we should call the fire department?
Father: That would be immoral, son. The fire department was established with public funds garnished from people’s wages. Why should we make them pay for the fact that our house is on fire?
Son: So what do we do?
Father: We’ll just have to put the fire out ourselves, son.
Firefighter: Would you like some help putting out your house fire? We might still be able to save some of it.
Father: Get off the charred remains of my lawn, you Commie bastard.


Son: Why do we have to live in your car now, Dad? Didn’t you have home insurance?
Father: The government is always trying to force me to insure things… my car, my house. What a ripoff! Its basically just a government enforced protection racket! Not only that, but our rates go up because of other people’s stupidity! The whole thing smacks of the Red Menace to me.
Son: Well, if we’re gonna live in your car, can we at least park it on the street?
Father: Public roads are for Communists, son.


Son: Dad, I fell off the swingset and I think I broke my leg! We need to get to the hospital!
Father: I’m afraid I don’t have the money or health insurance to pay for a doctor, son.
Son: Can’t we just go to the free clinic down the street?
Father: That would be immoral, son. Those clinics are paid for with money collected by force from hardworking people. Why should they have to pay for your mistakes? Nope, I’m afraid we’ll have to fix this ourselves. My diagnosis: amputation.
Son: But I don’t want to have my leg amputated!!!!
Father: Its the only way, son. Now bite down on this paint stick while I go get the chainsaw.


Son: If Communisim is so ineffective, then how come the Russians were the first people in space?
Father: They may have been the first, but we did it the right way: using capitalism.
Son: I don’t understand, Dad. I thought that NASA was publicly funded.
Father: Come to think of it, you’re right, son. We should set up our own space mission, libertarian style!
Son: How are we going to do that without the cooperation and funding of millions of people?
Father: We don’t need all that, son. Just go sit on that keg of dynamite in the backyard. Liftoff will be in ten minutes.


Son: Dad, can I ride the merry go round?
Father: No, you can’t, son.
Son: But that kid is riding it!
Father: Well, he had a quarter and you don’t.
Son: Why should he have the power to ride the merry go round just because he has a quarter and I don’t?
Father: Money is not power, nor does it entail privlege. It just allows certain people to have and do things that others cannot.


Father: Here’s your lunch money, son.
Son: This isn’t money!! These are just carved wooden figurines of Michael Jackson!!
Father: Yeah, I spent a whole day’s worth of human productive effort on those. They have to be worth something.
Son: But how will I use them to get food?
Father: See if you can trade them for food. But don’t accept any cash, though. Federal Reserve notes are for Communists.


Son: Dad, you’re always ruining my life. Maybe I should kill you in your sleep.
Father: That would be a violation of my natural rights, son.
Son: What the hell is a natural right?
Father: Natural rights are rights intrinsic to all people. Everyone is born with natural rights, such as the right to live. We call them ‘natural’ rights, because they come from nature.
Son: What the hell are you talking about? Our dog is always trying to kill our cat! Last week he bit off the cat’s leg!
Father: That cat is a commie, son. The dog is justified in wanting to eat it. Besides, why should it be the dog’s problem that the cat can’t run fast enough?


Son: I think I’m gonna go live with the neighbors. They aren’t crazy libertarians like you, Dad.
Father: No. You cannot choose to live with them. They are commies. You are not allowed to choose communism. Thats how libertarianism works; its all based on mutual consent and freedom of choice.
Son: Screw you, I’m gonna live with them anyway.
Father: Fine, but their commie system is bound to collapse!! And if it doesn’t, I will start a war with them to ensure that it does!


Son: Its great that you’ve decided to hire a chauffer Dad, but why did you hire a blind man?
Father: I can hire whoever I want. Its my car and my money.
Son: But he doesn’t even have a liscense to drive!!
Father: Liscense??? That sounds like a bunch of government red tape to me!
Son: But you can’t expect him to drive safely!!! He’s freakin blind!!
Father: Laws against blind people driving are discriminatory and selective. Your lack of support for equal rights disgusts me, son.

Our Classist Higher Education System

Public education definitely has its flaws, but our higher (private) education system in America I think is the penultimate example of classism in our society.

We all know some rich fuckup who had everything going for him, infinite support from his parents, luxury car, all bills paid, and still managed to flunk out of college because he was a bad student or maybe college wasn’t for him.  Conversely, we all know some immigrant badass who had nothing going for him, worked 60 hours a week and still managed to graduate with a 4.0 and move on to postgrad.

However, both of these examples represent anecdotal evidence that is not in line with statistical trends.  Statistically, affluent college students, whose parents give them more help, do better and go farther in higher education.  I mean really its just common sense.  The “all bills paid, free ride” rich kids have literally nothing to worry about except getting good grades, partying, and getting laid.  The rest of us on the other hand, have to worry about bills, rent, wage slavery, and cramming 25 hours of activity into a 24 hour day.  OF COURSE THE WEALTHY DO BETTER!

What really burns me is when these over-privileged brats then go out into the world with this attitude like they’ve achieved something, like they have more merit than the rest of us.  Sorry guys, hate to burst your bubble, but your social status is more the result of the class you were born into than any kind of merit or hard-won achievement.  Get over yourself and your inflated sense of entitlement and accomplishment.

I really busted my ass to get through college.  I had some minimal support from my parents, but I was the last of three kids and the product of a defunct marriage to boot, so naturally I got a little shafted.  I can’t blame my parents for this too much, after all they put 3 kids through school, so I can’t say they didn’t suffer to make that happen, or that they should have suffered more on my behalf.  My parents sacrificed plenty to get us through school.  I’m not saying they should have done more, but the system should have done more.  Financial Aid, Scholarships and Grants were out of the question for me simply because of my parents’ income.

Seriously, I worked full time, and had several side business .  I worked my ass off, and the final GPA wasn’t horrible, but it definitely wasn’t what it could have been had I had proper support.  It would definitely be a major challenge for me to go to postgrad at this point, as it would require doing some more undergrad work to boost my GPA and also take some more undergrad classes related to the field I would like to go into.   That’s just to get in, to say nothing of paying for grad school.

According to a labor study recently released, more people under the age of 30 are staying in school, rather than getting jobs.  Why?  Because the Boomers are working later than expected and the youth is getting squeezed out of the labor force.

I’m under 30, and I went straight from undergrad to the workforce upon graduating college. Parents told me grad school just wasn’t in the financial cards, and I’m not going to put myself through working 50 hours a week AND trying to go to grad school. So I got an entry level job, but I worry about my future, because in a few years all those kids who are in grad school right now are going to get out, and they will immediately be in a higher class than me, and their earning potential will quickly overshadow the meager financial progress I have made with my entry-level job.

It seems my parents’ decision to put their retirement ahead of my education has relegated me to a middle-class existence that will be very hard to climb out of. I don’t fit in with this national trend of staying in school until age 30, and that makes me worry about my future. I honestly wish I had the option of continuing my education, as I think that would be a better investment of the best years of my life than working for peanuts.

Its not so much about “making it” or “doing well” to me, its more about doing something meaningful with my life and being the best person I can be. I really feel as though I am quite capable of doing more than just menial office work. I am basically yet another American moving at half speed, half capacity, simply because no one has entrusted me with enough responsibility or opportunity to show what I can really do.

I also feel as though I need more education, and there aren’t enough opportunities for working class people like me who want to do more for society but simply lack the funding for higher education. The kind of career I want would be in scientific research, which is a field that requires a lot of education, but you end up making pretty low pay and living off grants mostly. And I’m not about to go 5 or 6 figures into debt just so I can get what basically amounts to job training so I can be a more productive member of society. If society doesn’t want to throw me a bone, then why should I even bother? I’ll just stagnate in the middle class existence I’ve been marginalized into and watch the world end on TV, knowing I probably could have done something to prevent it, had someone merely given me the most basic of resources to work with.

Its also a serious thorn in my side to watch these yuppie larva kids in grad school go on to way better lifestyles and jobs than me simply because their parents were willing to do so much for them. It makes me wonder, does the upper class really have more merit than I do, or did they simply just get better breaks in life?

Some parents think: “If I give my kid too much help, he’ll be spoiled and won’t appreciate anything.”  While that is true, the other side of the coin is: If you don’t give your kid enough support, he will be unable to compete and will ultimately lose the rat race that is capitalist education.

Its for all these reasons that I believe Higher Education should be FREE in America, much like it is in many parts of Europe.  If we truly want social mobility and an escape from the feudalistic moneyed aristocracy “the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor” situation we have in America now, this is the only way to go.  And yes, I know this would cost the general public a lot of money.  But this isn’t a handout we are talking about, this is a solid investment in the future of our society.  Especially if corporations are going to outsource/give to immigrants all of our menial jobs!  If Americans don’t want to pave roads and mop floors anymore, put a damn book in their hand and get them doing something higher level.

As it stands, it takes both money AND academic ability to get a higher education.  I say, take money out of the equation and let the common people really shine.  Lets see what they can really do.  I think we’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Sure, a few “off color” people might join the ranks of the higher classes, but what the hell is wrong with that?  That’s supposed to be what America is all about.