Politically Correct Jesus

Sometimes I wonder if it were even possible for God to express itself fully through a single human being, which leads me to reject the idea of God as anything other than the totality of all things.  Personally, I believe that Jesus has reincarnated several times and each one of his incarnations has served to fulfill a part of his agenda.  There is also the possibility that Jesus split himself into several souls and they are all here at once.  But I don’t see how the omnipotent rapture-Jesus foretold by Revelations is possible.

If Jesus came down from heaven in all of his glory, he wouldn’t be able to define himself as human, because if he tried, everyone would be pissed off at him.

If he came back as a man, the women would be pissed.

If he came back as a white man, the blacks would be pissed.

If he came back beautiful, the ugly people would be pissed.

If he came back heterosexual, the gays would be pissed.

If he came back as an anarchist, the government would be pissed and probably do something stupid like nail him to another tree.

If he came back as a fascist, everyone would be pissed.

If he came back as a new-age hippie guru, the church would be pissed.

If he came back as a Democrat, the Republicans would be pissed.

There is no circumstance in which he could come back that wouldn’t piss someone off, possibly starting a war.  Jesus himself, probably the most peaceful person ever, has been the motivation behind plenty of wars, from the Crusades to the Inquisition, and on into the modern age.

Like old Abraham Lincoln said, “You can please some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.”  This world is so divided, how could one person of one nationality, race, sex, and creed ever hope to lead it?

Jesus wants to please everyone. That’s why he generally tends to stay off this lousy rock. Its impossible to please anyone here because you are all bigots with your own idea of what is right and what is wrong. If Jesus tried to come back to this planet at the state its in now, he would inevitably piss a lot of people off, because he wouldn’t be anything they expected or were hoping for.

The fact of the matter is, it is logically impossible for Jesus to please everyone because everyone has conflicting agendas.  How is it possible for someone who has to be everything to everyone to have his own identity?  And indeed, the first time he came, he most certainly did not please anyone and in fact created a lot of conflict and pissed a lot of important people off by revealing everyone’s petty scams and trifling cons to the world, even at the highest levels of ‘society’.  And ultimately everyone became so heavily invested in lies that they felt like they had to get rid of the one guy who was faithful to the truth.

People of the earth don’t like peace. They like war. They don’t like charity. They like mindless self-indulgence. How are you going to attract a soul of peace and charity when you are all a bunch of greedy assholes?  Why would Jesus ever want to come back?  On a planet this greedy, he would probably attract more haters than Obama, Justin Beiber, and Octo-mom combined.

And think of how Jesus would be exploited in the modern age.  Companies would want endorsements.  Someone would try to get him to do a porno.  The military might try to turn him into a weapon.  The Feds would try to use him as a spy.  The mafia would set up a gambling racket around his behavior.  Every country on Earth would want him to claim allegiance to their nation.  Every loser on the planet would feel like he owed them something because of a bunch of false promises made by writers who never even met the man.

It’s like that scene in RoboCop 2 where the corporation that owned RoboCop was trying to re-program his brain to make him ‘better’, but ultimately corporate committee thinking just created a logically indecipherable chunk of code that wouldn’t compile!

So, in the end, if Jesus ever came back, I think he would probably reject Government, Religion, Big Business, and Society and just move into a shack in the woods and play guitar or something. I can’t claim to know the mind of God, but I know good people because I am one. From my point of view, what humans call ‘society’ is, in actuality, just a bunch of selfish people manipulating each other, and really, I don’t want any part of it. And I’m pretty sure that Jesus, Lao Tzu, and a lot of other holy wise men would probably agree.

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The Bible is the Warren Report of the Roman Empire

(This was originally published on Easter, but is always applicable)

Well it was Easter this weekend.  I totally forgot about this until Sunday, when I went to do my grocery shopping for the week at my small town grocery store.  I thought it was odd that the parking lot was totally empty and the lights were off.  Then I noticed a sign on the front door that said: “Closed.  Happy Easter.”

Happy Easter…  unless you can’t get any any FOOD!  WTF?

OK, first let me preface this rant by saying that I am a great admirer of Jesus Christ.  I think he was a great guy, I have a lot of respect for his personal philosophy, and I seek to emulate his behavior in my own life.

However, even though Christ himself was awesome, the religion that mankind has built around his legacy is complete and utter garbage.  This is so apparent in the holiday that Christians call Easter.  I mean, the whole thing is just a slap in the face to everything Jesus stood for.  They took his assassination and made it a fucking holiday, what a bad, tasteless joke.  And the whole thing is CRUX to Christians, because this is the event that gets them off the hook for all their own sins, evil, and lies.

Once, a Christian asked me if I feared the “coming judgment” of Christ.  I said no, because I am innocent.  To which the Christian responded: “No one is innocent until they have been washed clean by the blood of Christ.”

So let me get this straight here:  You bathe in the blood of your God’s dead son, and you think that this somehow makes you clean?  That is some fucked up, twisted shit!  I know Satanists whose ideas are a lot less perverted than that!  But that is the way a lot of Christian people think.  The crux of their philosophy is, basically: “Some guy died 2,000 years ago so that I can be an asshole today.”  Here’s an idea: instead of performing these empty rituals in order to convince yourself that you are forgiven for your sins, why not try to actually BE A GOOD PERSON?  In other words, WWJD?

I mean seriously, to take a good person like Jesus and basically make him responsible for all the world’s sin and lies is just sick.  The whole thing is just a huge cop out for the bad behavior of humanity.  I mean, how the Hell does it logically follow that Jesus’s execution absolves humanity of its sins?  I mean, God’s son comes to visit Earth, the locals pop him off, and that somehow gets them OUT of trouble?  If anything, I would think it would be the other way around!  This “Jesus died for you” shit sounds to me like an excuse that was concocted by Jesus’s murderers.  1800 years ago, the Roman government handed down the proclamation:

“Jesus died for you.”

Don’t you mean that YOU KILLED JESUS FOR ME?

“No,” they say, “That had to happen.  Wasn’t our choice.”

Bullshit.  Jesus didn’t die for me, he lived for me, until a bunch of assholes had him killed.  Don’t try to paint over the truth with his blood.  The Bible is the Warren Report of the Roman Empire: Its the story of Jesus Christ as told by the same government that had him whacked.

And when they compiled the bible 200 years later, they took all the texts written about Jesus that supported their world view and made them canonical.  Then they took all the texts that were incendiary, or revolutionary, or inconvenient to Roman rule, anything that would have opened peoples’ minds and made them harder to control, they took all that shit and burned it.  And anyone that tried to keep copies of those documents for preservation, they executed.  How Christian.

And what does the Christian bible imply about God?  I’d say it implies that he was a pretty ineffective ruler.  Have you ever read the Old Testament?  Is it just me, or does God kind of come off as an asshole in that thing?  He was always smiting people and handing down these ridiculous and impossible-to-follow rules…  What a dick!

“Don’t have sex with more than one person at a time, don’t steal, don’t kill,” says God.

“But God,” you say, “Why did you give me a mind and body that wants to fuck everything that moves?  Why did you put so much wealth in the hands of psychotic assholes who by their insensitive actions beg to be killed and robbed?”

“I didn’t do that,” says God, “Satan did.”

“Well who created Satan, asshole?”

Seriously, if Satan really does exist, I feel sorry for him.  It seems to me as though he was a scapegoat for all of God’s mistakes.  But then God had a son, and now Jesus fills the role of scapegoat.  So basically, God gave Jesus Satan’s crappy job.

I would say that the Bible implies that God was a pretty shitty parent.

“Hey, Son, its about time you started to pick up your end of the family business.  You see, I created this guy named Satan a while back.  He got a little out of control and now things are all screwed up.  Would you please kill him for me?  Oh yeah, and I also created all these humans on a planet called Earth.  Satan got up in there and corrupted them, and now the place is a total mess.  Would you please go down there and clean all that shit up?”

Basically, I think that Christianity implies that children only exist to serve their parents.  No wonder Christians are such shitty parents: look at the example they have to go by!  They worship a God who killed his only son as some kind of sacrifice so that the world’s population can continue its orgy of killing, greed, and sin.  What does Christianity imply about parenting?  “Have a bunch of kids and put them to work on your farm.”  What a bunch of self indulgent bullshit.  This is what people mean when they say that Christians are “socially backwards”.  They believe that youth exists to serve age, when really it should be the other way around.

Look at the holiday of Lent.  You’re supposed to fast, and then Easter comes along and you can eat again!  Why?  Because after a short period of self-denial in tribute to him, Jesus is finally dead now, and we can all go back to being assholes again!  Yay!  The bosses’ kid is gone!  Lets throw a party on the company dime!

The whole thing is just disgusting and hypocritical, and I…  just can’t take it any more.